let’s call an autoerotic asphyxiation accident an autoerotic asphyxiation accident

Talk about the worst obituary of all time.

At first, the breaking news stories said David Carradine was found dead and naked in his hotel room’s closet, hung with a rope   around his neck and around his balls.  Of course, they didn’t use the word “balls,” but I don’t want people to think I’d ever say “gentials” when I could just say “balls.”  Soon after, the stories were edited to say that he was found hung with a rope around his neck and “other parts of his body” which sounds like an old lady is whispering gossip to you in an elevator.  By the time of my typing this, the stories just say that he was found hung or found dead.

Now, let’s assume that the changes are being made for decorum’s sake, and not because everyone discovered  that when the news was first phoned in with heavy cell-phone static, “natural causes” sounded like “he was naked with a rope around his balls.”  Let’s also look at requests from his friends saying we shouldn’t assume he committed suicide because he was a happy guy.  Okay.  And let’s agree that if you’re going to murder someone, having him strip and hang himself, then tying the rope around his balls before you leave is an unlikely, but funny-in-a-douchebag-kind-of-way to do it.

We then must ask why it can’t be stated outright in the news.  Is it embarrasing?  Please.  We’ve all done it.  It feels great to deprive your brain of blood while you’re jerkin’ it.  There’s no shame in that.  What is shameful is keeping in the dark, so that we can’t openly talk about ways to choke yourself safely and without risk.  Imagine how many deaths we read about every day are from a poorly-executed autoerotic asphyxiation that isn’t reported as such.  I’d estimate it’s as high as 5%.

If someday if we can all autoerotic asphyxiate out in the open, then Mr. Carradine will not have died in vain.

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One response to “let’s call an autoerotic asphyxiation accident an autoerotic asphyxiation accident

  1. I love you.

    No, really.

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